Our relationships tend to fall into repetitive patterns. If you are unhappy or frustrated with any particular relationship, you may want to examine the habitual dynamics of it so that you can bring about a change with this awareness. In Rules of Engagement – And Breaking Them I have shared about these patterns and control dramas in a little greater detail. In Stepping Out of the Cage I have provided an EFT script to help one step out of playing the victim’s role.
But it is important to understand that such dynamics work in pairs. So as in control dramas, where an Interrogator meets an Aloof person, or the Intimidator meets a ‘Poor Me’, the Perpetrator tends to find a Victim and vice versa. An insightful article on Ho’oponopono (which has since gone off the net) explained how the practice can be used as a prayer to collapse such pairings. Ho’oponopono itself means to ‘correct the error in perception’. Essentially, this means acknowledging that everything is perfect the way it is and the challenges are a consequence of the error in the way we view things. Ho’oponopono is a simple but highly effective practice that involves praying for divine intervention to ‘make right’ this error. I often recommend it to clients seeking to heal any particular relationship.
I also encourage them to cognitively begin to see the situation and the other person in a different light. Call it the observer effect or common sense, once you change any part of the equation, the outcome has to change. So in the specific case of a pairing of a victim and perpetrator, it is important to see how you have painted the other as a villain, and yourself as the hapless hero or helpless victim. Or to see where you are wittingly or unwittingly playing Villain and consciously choosing to stop all contribution to that.
While Stepping Out of a Cage was intended for those caught in a Victim role, this article is intended to support those who find themselves consistently being accused of being Villains/Perpetrators. The suggestion would be to first ensure that you are operating from a clear space: To discover and clear as many of the known, unknown, intentional and unintentional ways in which you may be contributing to your being perceived as some kind of threatening or intimidating person.
If you have done this to the best of your abilities (and only you will know that for sure) and yet find yourself at the constant receiving end of a barrage of angry outbursts or complaints, then it may be time to use the following poem as an EFT script. This poem was written for a client who tends to play the Caregiver in most of her relationships. Having been that way myself in the past, I well understand the different emotions that arise in these situations. Someone heavily invested in this role tends to take on far too much responsibility for the health and happiness of the person they care for. The corresponding person is dealing with their own set of challenges and they may often feel frustrated, helpless or dependent, lashing out at the caregiver at such times. This is especially true in cases where the person being supported is dealing with an accident, serious illness, financial upheaval, relationship breakup and so forth. The intent may not be to hurt and the attack need not be personal at all. But for the one playing the supporting role to be at the receiving end of this anger and blame over a long term period can tip them into victim hood.
This poem/script is intended to help you center yourself and remember that freedom is an internal choice.
The eventual aim would be to step out of all role playing, dropping all investment in ideas of victim or perpetrator. Centered in pure awareness, all action would then arise spontaneously, without any historical bias or emotional charge. But until then, some conscious steps to help one stabilize are only practical.
If you are unfamiliar with EFT, you can download the one pager or get my book, ‘Emotional Freedom Techniques’, for a more detailed understanding. The sentiments here are deliberately strong so as to bring up any suppressed emotions of resentment. Please tap in the following using the Short-Cut method:
If someone has chosen to be unhappyAnd blames the world they findIf they target you constantlyAccuse, yell, turn hostileHowever difficult it seemsRemember its not yours to takeAll their anger and hopelessnessYou need not personal makeIf they are used to trashing youLashing out in painKnow its not really your faultThat’s just the way it has beenThey need someone to build their storyOf victim hood aroundAnd you may be practised atReceiving the perpetrator’s crownStep back and move outDo not engageThe war they rage is an internal oneYou need not play in itLike the proverbial water off a duck’s backAllow the vibes to flow offAny resistance or argument is pointlessThere will only be more to ward offDon’t feel sorry for them or yourselfFor choosing what they doEach one has a right to write their scriptJust as you doIf victim hood be their trump storyYou are still free to chooseWalk away and let them beFreedom is an internal moveNo one can give it to anotherNor can it be taken away from you