Values are not what we talk about. They are how we live. They determine why we make and live the choices we eventually do.
Quite often, we don’t live what we advocate. We may express certain preferences and ethics in our self-talk and external debates. But when it comes to walking the talk, these may be less present and more absent than we would like.
Any such split within us causes us stress, discontent and keeps us disturbed. Without knowing it, we are living by one set of principles and measuring ourselves by another. Whereas acknowledging any such dichotomy helps address the gap and us move to a more integrous, hence more peaceful, fulfilling and enjoyable way of life.
This gap within us may be something we see clearly, or it may be something we have not realized. When subtle or unconscious, it may display itself in the form of dissatisfaction, angst or apathy. Procrastination or indecisiveness may be keeping us in a long state of ‘stuckness’. Also, look out for an emotionally charged reaction towards others displaying behavior contradictory to your stated values. Any such triggering is a good hint of us being unable to notice, and or forgive that in our self. (Click here for a more detailed write-up on this.)
In order to address this split, we need to clarify our values. The truth is that understanding our personal values is a tricky business. What we want and what we think we want can be two radically different things.
Everything has its pros and cons. In theoretical discussion, we tend to discount the discomforts accompanying ‘nobler’ choices, as also our non-adherence to the same. In practice, it may be more challenging to live with the price one has to pay or the changes these aspirations demand of us.
Illustratively, one may believe in minimalism but rationalize the need to hold on to dozens of books; one may advocate fitness or environmental issues, but take the car for even short distances; one may value fairness, charity or generosity, but pay cost or less at the ‘pay-what-you-want’ cafe; one may aspire to forgiveness and yet be unable to let go of an old disagreement with family.
Often, what we think we value is more indicative of what we expect from others and the world than of ourselves.
A thorough, methodical examination of how we use our limited resources of time, energy and attention can be quite revealing. Such a deeply honest inquiry can help us discern the values we live (find comfortable or doable) at this point, as against those we aspire towards. There are several online questionnaires that can help you with this task.
Below is a list of some useful questions that I had noted a while back (sorry, I can’t recollect the source). Initial, reflexive answers may come from habit and conditioning. So make sure you spend a little time reflecting and revisiting these before you list at least 3-5 answers to each one:
- How do you fill your space?
- How do you spend your time?
- How do you spend your energy?
- How do you spend your money?
- What do you think about most?
- What do you envision or visualize most?
- What do you internally dialogue about most?
- What do you externally dialogue about most?
- Where are you most organized?
- Where are you most disciplined?
- What do you react to most?
- What do you set goals towards most?
This should have helped you gain a fairly good idea about what you currently find comfortable or doable and live by.
Now compare this to who you thought you were or would like to be and how you would like to live. Some areas will already converge while the contrasts in other places may surprise you.
A more complete alignment can be attained in one of the following two ways:
I. By updating our list of values to reflect reality as it stands.
A deeper understanding of who we are, where we are and how things currently stand helps us find truer, more peaceful self-acceptance. Broadly speaking, there are two possible explanations for the places our values turned out to be different from what we thought prior to the exercise:
- There may be another set of priorities that we understand the merits of but are not yet ready to shift towards. For example, valuing generosity or co-operation, but displaying stinginess and competitive traits. In such case, discovering and releasing the underlying fears, unhealed wounds and insecurities is necessary before there can be any change in priorities.
- We actually judge what we thought we valued. For example, we think we value ‘gentleness’, but demonstrate ‘aggressiveness’ because the former is judged as being ‘weak’; or we thought we value ‘freedom’ in work and relationships, but find this to be ‘impractical’ or ‘shallow’, and consequently ‘commit’ to unhappy jobs or marriages. In such a case, it is useful to check if the judgments are truly our own, or our way of ‘fitting in’. There may have been instances of being say ‘gentle’, or announcing your ‘need for freedom’, that led to disastrous consequences. Or that one has now come to respect the ‘power’ that ‘aggression’ brings, or the ‘comfort’ and ‘reliability’ that ‘commitment’ brings. ‘Rights’ and ‘wrongs’ are a matter of opinion but where we stand today needs to be admitted.
By being honest with ourselves, we cease wasting energy in the denial of our hurts, and rejection of our current experience and opinion. We are then able to re-examine how we would like to live the rest of our life. This further guides us in our inner work of releasing filters, limiting beliefs and emotional baggage.
II. By implementing choices and actions that incorporate our true values.
Even if they be baby steps, one must start actioning the shift.Radical changes in lifestyle, career, home, health, finances, etc. may seem like a daunting task. Such changes can be challenging, time-consuming and disruptive to the comfort of familiarity we have chosen thus far. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, as they say. Well begun is half done.
How you choose to be is a choice you make from moment to moment. Whether one is being mindful or running on auto-pilot makes all the difference.
As long as every step takes you closer to your idea of who you believe yourself to be at heart – regardless of what ensues and how long it takes – you begin to experience greater happiness and contentment.
Lastly, a side-benefit of clarifying our values is healthier relationships: Like it or not, we gauge others using yardsticks determined by our values. Being aware of our values gives us a better understanding of our reactions and thus helps make things less personal. For example, someone who values hard work will likely find a Taoist lazy or irresponsible. Or someone valuing extroversion is likely to see an introvert as boring, shy and so forth. Recognizing that we are referring to a completely different framework enables us to be less rigid and demanding of others, thereby bringing greater harmony into our relationships.
I hope this article helps you discover a greater clarity and ease. If you find it useful, please share it with others.
7 thoughts on “What Values Do You Live By?”
Wonderful insights and reflections. These questions really open up a new dimension to what we value. I have experienced changes in what I value over the years, but never embraced them in this way. Thank you Sangeeta!
Thank you Val 🙂
My friend, Nithya Shanti, posted a note on FB which I feel relevant to the subject here, hence I am copy-pasting it below:
“I feel the definition of success needs to be questioned and expanded. Being famous, being rich, being influential, being knowledgeable, being powerful, being accomplished, having all the nicest things – these are the traditional definitions of success.
While there is nothing inherently wrong in them, they are rather narrow, outwardly focused and based on measuring ourselves against each other in some way.
I would like to offer some other ways to look at success that can expand our understanding of it…
Being rich in time – Have the luxury to just be, slow down, enjoy each life experience and explore our interests
Doing deep work – with fewer people, over longer time, with profound effects.
Some of the most influential people in history touched relatively few lives, and those lives went on to touch the world. I think of Socrates, Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, Webu Sayadaw, Henry David Thoreau
Fostering Community – The work we do to cultivate a sense of shared purpose in conscious communities is one of the greatest gifts we can give and leave behind
Living Simply – Reducing our possessions and needs so that we have more space and lightness in our lives. This is also a beautiful gift for our crowded planet on which we are placing ever more demands
Having Shiny Eyes – This is Benjamin Zander’s definition of success, “To be surrounded by people with shiny eyes!” This is so simple, yet says so much
Having Fun – Prioritizing joy, playfulness, authentic connection and frequent heartfelt laughter is a great way to look at success
Deepening Our Spiritual Connection – Finding and walking our own unique path. Growing a rich inner garden of insight, connection and contentment. This means measuring success not by the quality of our belongings but by the quality of our consciousness.
Supporting Others – In learning, growing, healing and being successful on their own terms
Being Exemplary – By our words and shining example, inspiring all to be the best they can be
Being Authentic – By our honesty and openness, inviting all to be more grounded and real
Continuous Learning – Lifelong learning of what we always wants to learn in school but couldn’t. No matter how strange, obscure or unproductive it appears to others
We all have unique DNA, why shouldn’t we also have our own unique approach to success? Wouldn’t it be amazing if on meeting another for the first time we asked them not only what they did, but why? Thereby creating a culture where it is normal for each of us to have our own unique definition and understanding of success. What a diverse and vibrant world that would be!
I invite you to explore alternate ideas of success with your friends, family and children. You are welcome to share this post on your wall to trigger such a dialogue. Also share your thoughts in the comments to expand and enrich this discussion further.
I’d like to end with a powerful question:
“What if I am already successful, based on my own values, and just never really recognized it?””