Ever been in an argument? I’m sure we all have!
Whether it is an intellectual debate, an outburst of road rage or a violent, bitter and long lasting family feud – the one common factor is our righteousness.
Through it all, we tend to remain convinced that we are in the right.
We have deeply emotional articulations of everything that justifies, defends and enhances our position. Often, we are perplexed as to why the other party disagrees with our reading.
In this emotionally charged place – where we see ourselves as reasonable – we forget how blinkered we actually are. We forget that the other person is experiencing the exact same certainty and belief in their own conclusions. We forget that we all have a natural tendency – to place ourselves at the centre of things and view the world from this one singular perspective.
But naturally, no two individuals occupy such identical vantage points.
Each one has their own experiences, conditioning, priorities, beliefs, values, fears and hopes.
To expect our goals, choices, behaviours and therefore actions to be aligned at all times with others – is to invite resistance and suffering.
A direct, effective way to reduce our discomfort and unhappiness would be to not make it all about us and our priorities. But this is difficult for almost all of us. To think from our individual perspective alone – is all that we have known. It seems natural, obvious and the only way.
The more that we are identified with our separate self – the harder this task. And the more aware that we are aware of the interconnectedness of things – the easier this task.
As a step towards greater harmony and peace, what we can do is to work on elasticising our mindset:
Just as we exercise our muscles, we can practise widening our perspective. We can habituate ourselves to taking a step back and see things more objectively and inclusively. As we do this more frequently, it starts becoming second nature. Eventually we start understanding that we can co-exist with divergent opinions, even learn from them. And we don’t have to park blame and anger on anyone – including ourselves.
If this seems like an interesting approach to investigate then you may like tapping on EFT points as you read the script below. (If you aren’t familiar with EFT, then please visit my website and/or get my book: “Emotional Freedom Techniques“). Remember to have a glass of water before you start!
For me to be right,
The other doesn’t have to be wrong.
The other being right,
Doesn’t necessarily make me wrong.
There are multiple ways
In which the same thing can be seen:
Remember – a diamond has multiple facets
Yet we often remain fascinated
With just one particular gleam
Blind to sides that remain unknown, obscure or unseen.
But by being enamoured with our perspective alone
The beauty of the entire truth remains concealed.
Caught up in proving our own interpretation
We stop all questioning, asking or listening.
Hurt, frustrated and resentful
We then nurture the victimhood one is feeling.
What if there is more to be understood here?
What if there is a resolution I am missing?
How much distress are my blinkers costing me?
How much pain is my stubbornness creating?
What would it take to let go of all these constraints
And to consistently remember:
That while what I see feels solid, real and true,
What the other believes, thinks, feels or argues
Is also based on a similarly concluded proof?
How much more understanding would I have of the situation?
How much more tolerance would I show?
Would I be more co-operative and willing
To let go?
Of anger, accusation, resentment and sadness
Demands, insistences and the conclusions I made before?
What if the other is not out to hurt me, or wrong me?
What if they feel exactly the same way…
Unheard, misunderstood, ignored, judged, rejected
Violated in some subtle way?
What if I became ready, willing and able
To dissolve my investment in just one facet of a diamond
And embraced the full value of a whole gem instead?
What clarity would emerge?
What all would change?
Would I find that there is no longer a need
To perpetuate my own or the other’s pain?
That no gain can come from arrogance, blame or shame?
What if I paused my attempts
To impose a narrative on events?
To come from a place of watching the unfolding
Rather than painting dramas and tragedies, heroes and villains?
What if instead of being caught up in cause and effect
I focused my energies on my own response?
Would I find it easier to maintain balance and calm?
Let me give myself permission
To try this way at least this once…
To choose greater harmony,
Reclaim peace, and spread joy all around.
If you enjoyed tapping on this and notice any changes, you may like to record the above in your own voice and tap along once a day for 7-10 days. Let me know how that works for you!